What April 5th 2017 means to me and answers to a few questions, part 1

My post yesterday stirred up some sincere questions from people. I’m writing today to address some of those. I do not wish to make writing about this topic a daily occurrence–I have other things that interest me. My writing style and how I look at things may be different, at least that is what other people tell me. I also have no intention to even attempt to convey emotion in my writing, it’s not my personality nor within my ability. That does not mean the topics are not emotional, in fact, my emotions and the emotion in my writing are probably inversely related.

I am adding 2 more categories; April-5-2017 which will be about the accident and Re. Steve Tilford to my blog, you can subscribe to those individual feeds if you wish to get notified about these but not read my other writing.

As I said, I am happy to answer questions, in fact, I look forward to questions. It may take time for me to give a complete answer to them. I am writing on this topic for myself and others. The topics, thoughts, and perspectives are mine. They may be different than yours; I may have information and things I do not say out of respect for others, and I may say things that others wish I would not. And I might be wrong!

I will not engage in an attempt to justify myself (on this topic). I will try hard not to criticize or judge others.

Yesterday’s post was answering a question that I needed to know the answer to. It was something I needed to address for myself and others for reasons I do not wish to go into at this time. I answered those questions as I was writing the post.

As I sit here thinking what to write next, and how to answer some of the questions, the enormity of it leaves me struggling to find some small, well-defined piece to start with; this is hard!

Steve and I had been friends for 20+yrs. We had been having one of the most mutually personal conversations for most of the drive. Discussing each other’s personal struggles in life, our life’s felt in sync in many ways. For that to end, or paths to diverge so dramatically, is difficult for me. We had discussed some of Steve’s beliefs that we have no control over what happens, and he literally said “We could die today.” WTF, I know it is only coincidence but it became true.

Someone made this comment:
“The horror in how it was announced online was off-putting and disturbing to some, leaving many with lots of questions” Why was it done this way?
There were many that knew Steve and I were driving together; I do not have access to the time frame of the posts at this time–they have been taken down. After close family and friends of Steve and myself were contacted, I posted something to the extent, “There has been a bad accident and Steve is critically injured.” I guess this was about 4:00 AM because I would have done it when I was at the hospital. The word was getting out and we have many mutual friends. At the time what I knew was not certain, or at least not something I would say publicly; I wanted to be really sure.

To this day I clearly remember the reaction of the friends I personally called. Waking them up in the middle of the night to give them this news. Hearing their pain in my mind now makes me cry. I made some of these calls shortly after 1:00 AM, I should look at my call logs now but it is to difficult for me to do that right now. Reliving this is not easy. Losing Steve was so surreal. He was there, then not, but his friends and family were there and grieving. This is the pain I remember.

off-putting” I am no expert on how to share this news; honest and direct when I was sure was my approach. Going off memory, I wanted to share a little about how it happened, to mention a few people that were closely or immediately touched by that night, and let people know that I was ok. That was my sole agenda. There were questions if I was critically injured or worse. How could I be ok and Steve dead?
It is difficult to answer a question like these. I think they are meaningful for myself and others.

The next topic I think I will write about is how I feel when I look back on that night. I miss Steve greatly and yet when I think back to that night I have excitement, almost giddiness. We both had survived an incredible experience, we were both the happiest people on the planet at that time. I can’t shake, nor do I wish to shake, that part of the memory. For me, Steve died when he was at the top of the world. I understand that when others look back at April 5, 2017 it’s sole meaning is Steve’s death. That is not my experience of the night, nor memory of the night, it is much more complicated. What I mean to convey is the events of that night are complicated with drastic swings in emotions. I want to take time to write about this, and I am not yet ready.

Lastly, I can’t bring myself to re-read this, maybe Lisa will and correct the grammatical mistakes for me later. (Done; Lisa)

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